Process

This process.
This one, I am apprehensive about
-to say the least-

Already just imbibing it's insidiousness
as I watch it creep into my words and
conform my thoughts:
delay if lucky,
derail, but leaving hope
dissolve to destroy any fluidity...
wait, what was it again that I was saying here, hmm?

Fighting a pointless battle over a punctuation mark

This is why I left my job/life/security/independence
in the first place because I couldn't do both
I have never been good at doing both
I can't
Well, I really mean that it is really really
really so fucking hard for me
to balance the two forces that drive my soul
focus my potential

probably also contributing, as in being
a large factor, in this big
-jigsaw puzzle-
challenge of living a life

probably a factor fuck
sorry .
(fuck)
Fucking I like one side better than the other
Obviously

And now it's light and I am not easy
flowing but really
more like flailing; flailing into
flimsy flustered- those (this)
fucking
frustration laden foibles

And I am shackled again and it's
finally impossible to ignore
that I will never achieve peace nor purpose
without working
working really, really,
really hard
on making myself whole

I believe I can make a life that I can live for.
for and with

But the hurdles are inside of me. situational consequences might (fuck),
well they might just be manifestations
not causes

I quit my job and gave in entirely to a freedom I had never allowed myself to indulge in.

and just as thoroughly as I failed to find happiness
in the structured world I had never not succeeded in
and also never not felt
vaguely displaced in,

I gave in to the impulsive, implosive,
genius that has no bounds no limits no outlets

I loved it hated it cringe at it still crave it
never harnessed it

never not feeling a vague and
in the end, crushing disappointment that, well,
it kind of
slithered up around and behind me so that

after a while, I knew just what
was chasing me. So. I
ruined it more by being consumed by the serpent on my trail than,
I guess more than the reason for the hike.

As in now he bites me.

I have to make this work out, this incongruity

Create opportunities to facilitate the driven intellect and social ability I cannot
make order in my world without

And also while making time and space and focus to let the other side be seen
and be streamlined

In time, combined
For this, I have to work. Hard.
And to work I have to want need know
What must be done.

This is who I am now, I scream and
sing and cry for strength to make myself who I am and whoever I may become.

Fertility in Futility

Frantic antics
and
essential enterprises
Engulf and engross us
with utmost totality
Consuming consciousness,
nibbling at grand conceptions

Fruition flickers and falters faintly in the distance
it spurns us onward
ever more enticing, inveighling
and ultimately inescapable

Green Eyes

Green eyed and greasy. Not sleazy, but not classy. Rode the train just to be on the way to somewhere that other people were going to. Seeing spaces and buildings and cars and signs and trash go by, fast instant images she'd trained her mind to put in slow mode. This was so that it'd be easier to notice details, imagine whole worlds for the what flew by.
A concrete lot/yard with cyclone fencing, inside were random potted plants; bamboo, wide-leafed foliage and maybe small trees, perhaps some flowers. No one was ever in it, the attached building was inscrutable. A nursery? Could she sometime go there herself and see if she might take home something in the yard? The question goes unanswered, but still is a lingering interest, 'cause she always knows that trip won't happen (at least on purpose).
Fast it goes and fast it falls in the line that she's traveling on; replaced by new ruminations and different subjects, all of them fascinating, all of them fleeting. Preoccupation with the scenes outside the box waxes and wanes, and focuses shift to those who happen to be in transit with her.
These are trickier games, harder to observe without being noticed. Being noticed means instantly becoming a part of the story, and people act differently when they are being seen; their reactions varying by circumstance and audience. She knows that nothing anyone ever does is done without influence from some external motivation or perception, and just wants to try not to be one of them. People on phones, taking just a little too loud, to make certain that their very important life is made clear to all who surround them. People engrossed in their own thoughts and thoroughly within themselves, oblivious to all around them. People who try to appear to be that kind of person, but who are really just trying to block out and make their lives and their choices and their mistakes and their futures disappear into non-existence. It's always easier to pretend that the bad things in life aren't really there at all, easier also to erase your blunders by pointing out the wrongs and misdirections of others.

And that's why she rides the train. Not sleazy, not classy. Eyes green from the grass she sees on the other side, living a makeshift glass shielded life, if only for just now. Later, her eyes will turn back to grey, and she will rinse off the greasiness built up by the living of life, take out the trash, and show a little class. Later. Not now.

Things that blow mind my and mind me

I.
Cryingcrazy
and
cringing carnivorous at what was coming ,
what was there, really.
like tigers
it makes me think of tigers; they crouch
I could like to be one
but maybe just for a little while.
or
what if that's what I used to be
sometime stuck in somewhere
behind or ahead and
maybe up or down or in or
not at all.
something in me screams some of the time for not really
a reason or plead for
reprieve from reasons and reason

II.
that's to say
nothing but for part or piece or strand of string
that binds the universe, except
only the combination of the whole big ball of string spun into it's intended whole
knows that name.
Strings strands splits
names to define the difference from names like whole.
if my name could stop being part of the whole ball of string -
just long enough
only.
it might show what needs to be seen
at least right then for now
Now is a newer now than that above
space is what is used of it

III.
pretty things are sometimes like flowers that are soon to wilt splendidly as
pretty little streams of words
like dragonfly thoughts
flit fly land leave

IV.
dark little demons
bouncing around and digging for ways out
that secret spot, that's where they come from.
I like, like. like it there and it comforts,
and I like like like the same way it discomforts-
the darkest deep we all keep close to comfort
too comforting and too close
close comforts stay closed

V.
cold and angry dripping disappointment
sweet drops soft spill
puddles problems pretendings pretexts
cotton candy in the rain

Something I wrote a long time ago, and called "Book that will not be a book"

Prescript:This was soul-wrenching for me to write. Probably not very good, either. But it was exactly how I felt, and it felt good to at least try to see if I could capture it. And I did, but it wasn't what I wanted to capture, and made me realize exactly how I felt. Now I'm sharing it, just because this is a blog and I can write what I want.

How do you start a book that tells the story you’re trying to end? I guess you could start with spoons, and let it all spill out from there, in hopes of scooping it up along the way and turning odds and ends into middles and soup. In the end it really might just be in the effort, and the trick lies in the art of losing the build up and maybe nothing else. Where when how and why did the creativity leave and how the fuck do you get something back when you don’t even know when you lost it or remember that you had it? I guess that’s what it means to get lost in the act so deep you forget its purpose. And that’s when drugs start to suck and life starts to suck and you really have to take a nasty hard look at who you’ve become and decide if you’ve got it in you to turn around and make it worth it. And if you don’t, do you have it in you to quit the race because you know you don’t know what winning it means? Fuck that, it’s way to fucking deep, and I don’t know if I can make sense or make fun or make it flow like I once did. The thing about growing up is all the shit that really makes life depressing and makes or breaks you is that it’s not fun. It’s not the kind of thing you can write about or moan about or wallow in. it’s the kind of thing where all those songs you thought you related to are really about, and once they turn into your reality you don’t want to relate. That shit you loved as a teenager, all those strung out songs by junkie bands and hopeless souls you idolized when you had no idea what it meant to have to write or sing those things. All of a sudden you realize those songs are there because someone lived them, and the words start becoming too real. No more metaphors or distanced relating to your own trivial angsts. Somewhere along the road you live the songs, and realize how fucking hard it really is to write that, and what it takes to make the words resonate. It suddenly becomes apparent that the only reason those songs and books have their power is because they are painful, embarrassing admissions of a tortured soul. And that fucking sucks a hell of a lot, and what makes it worse is realizing that you are living the guilty world of defeat the junkie songwriters did, except you can’t even justify it by expression. So you end up nameless and defeated and realize that the reason artists are artists is because when a being gets to that point it is almost impossible to look at it, much less name it. There’s a time when you could write for hours and thought it was deep and important, and there’s a time after that when emptiness sets in and you sit dazed and confused, wishing and wondering why the words are gone. That’s the time that what you have to say really might be deep, and you aren’t even concerned with importance. Those, these, are the words books and songs are made from. Those fucking words you don’t ever want to read again. And you know what? Probably you won’t and no one else will either because you don’t have it in you to start a story at it’s end make it all the way back to the beginning. Like now, when continuing means torture and it’s easier to stop and justify quitting with a responsibility to pick up the pieces and try to erase the evil side of the fractured life you’re living. The up is easy to write about and the down isn’t worth the words and the sober doesn’t have the freedom or poetry to explain itself. The hardest, most important part is somewhere in between, and putting it down in words means reconciling your demons, and that’s just fucking hard to do. If you can’t be an artist and you can’t stop the cycle, you can’t write about the in between because there is no bridge between the two worlds. The addiction and the rest of your life live separately, and you realize that tortured artists are just the people who are fucked up like you but can force the limbo out and say it so that everyone forgives and gives false purpose to their failure. I used to think I wanted to be those people, but now I realize that I can’t find glamour or solace or purpose in an existence like this, no matter how beautifully or deeply I can express it. It’s not in me to be the tortured artist, and that’s why this will never be a book to read. I just hope I can give up the motivating circumstances now that they’ve lost their use. Otherwise I’m just fucked and that’s too bad. I really can’t stand the thought of nameless, typical failure. So I stop at that and hope to pick up the pieces and find my true direction.

A site I found kind of a long time ago, so I saved it

.....And just was going through stuff to post on here, and this is the easiest.....I find it exceptional mainly due to the writing; I love to read things and know that the author was typing straight from the brain to the keyboard, and it made me feel like I could see his whole psyche... It is unbelievable, yet somehow compelling; you want to stop, but you can't.
Also, I have always been interested in conspiracists. I love the theories. I think we all have our own private ideas that nothing is really what it seems. And perhaps take it a little more substantive...giving in to that private little itch. A little scratch here and there, just to gratify your (some would say deviant or crazy)......impulses. Give in (a little for most of us), and wage a private and secretly cherished battle with social conventions and unbendable labeling.

So I say, good for you, dude, for at least just taking the plunge, even if no one believes it or cares. At least you let it out there. All the way. The world needs this stuff once in a while, just to prove there are counterparts to the the mindless drones who thrive on rules already set for them. I figure myself somewhere or other right in the middle of the two, so I enjoy seeing both extremes once in a while. Here's one:

(ps-he might be right about some stuff, I can't help but think)

http://empowermentresources.com/

Alba's Story....a sort of beginning....

Ever since she could remember, she could remember everything. A little like the way you watch a movie and hear the words and see the images and know where it all leads, except you get the smells and tastes and the way things feel on your feet, your face, your hands, your head, your heart and stomach. She could put it all together, too, in a way, but in the beginning it was in the way that only a child can make connections. Of course, later on and still equipped with all those rememberings, the connections got more developed and less pure.
Alba, we'll call her, came into being with lifetimes already lived before. From the moment she took her first breath and opened her eyes, there was no fright, no confusion. Only inquiry. She opened her eyes, made no sound, and looked around as if saying, what the hell have I gotten myself into now?
She didn't cry, didn't yell, didn't make too much of an attempt to assert herself into the life she was given. Many questions she asked, and most were answered, as she had parents who nurtured her spirit and saw her gifts. They taught her the names of flowers, of plants, of words. When she was one year young, they took her on a picnic, and she still remembers the blanket, the field on which the blanket was spread, and the knife that they used to cut thier picnic lunch with.
Then she had a sister, when she was almost two. Except the sister was not the same as Alba. The sister was born with a perfect body, but most of her brain was only water. Perhaps it happened that Alba took so much in her own creation, there was little left for the next one. Her sister, Angel, was always sick. It was not known whether she could feel pain, physical or otherwise. But Alba loved her and did not ever consider that she was in any way with flaw. One Easter morning, she tried to share her Easter candy with Angel, feeding her one of those over-sized jelly beans kids always get, and then Angel had to go to the hospital.
To this day, she remembers the agony of how it felt to do something out of love, and to cause suffering instead. This guilt haunts her secret core.
Alba and Angel shared a room together, and one night, Alba woke inexplicably. She checked on Angel, and Angel was cold. She ran to her parents, and told them in a panic, "Angel is so cold!"
That was the night that Angel died. It was All Saint's Day, the day that is said to commemorate all those who have attained the eternal and direct perception of God, imparting supreme happiness and blessedness, enjoyed by those who are in Heaven. An Angel called directly back to whence she came, in a way only a higher power can conceive. She was one year old, plus a month or two.

there was some person

This person did things.
When she was a litte girl, she had the world at her fingertips; put up handwritten posters of quotations by Thomas Edison. She wrote her own books, and read like she was starving. Drawing, writing, reading, learning, striving!
It's a funny thing, though, about this person, And that funny thing was that the girl person had a dark side too.

they're backwards

Chronologically.

So even if it sounds better from the beginning, I or anyone else will have to quickly scroll through till they get to the first act. And even the best scroller can't help but notice that first (last) entry, and it will confuse and defuse the intended timeline.

On that note, why can't movie studios refrain from the temptation to use the only good scenes in their trailers? Wouldn't it be easier just to make Good movies and make the same money, but not have a gazillion people walk out of the (outrageously priced) theaters pissed off as hell. Just a question.

Fool's Gold

just a thought..........

I don't know if I can do this....

So I will take it slowly and wait till something other than meaningless meanderings that are fun to read but when it's done, you have no idea what any of that meant. Which I think might be an indication that I am pretty ok at stringing words and sentences together. But I would like to be able to actually write. Things with plot or meaning or anything besides self-centered ramblings; easy to write with pretty, eloquent, strings of nothings. But I could never make a book or story of that, as it tends to be self-serving gibberish.

So that's that, and it concludes my first attempt at honest, memorable pieces of art in the literary medium-a daunting undertaking. I might fail miserably. But at least I'll have access to the journey whenever wherever I want.

I hope I can keep it up for real. We will see, yes yes.

(possibly to be continued...............)