Process

This process.
This one, I am apprehensive about
-to say the least-

Already just imbibing it's insidiousness
as I watch it creep into my words and
conform my thoughts:
delay if lucky,
derail, but leaving hope
dissolve to destroy any fluidity...
wait, what was it again that I was saying here, hmm?

Fighting a pointless battle over a punctuation mark

This is why I left my job/life/security/independence
in the first place because I couldn't do both
I have never been good at doing both
I can't
Well, I really mean that it is really really
really so fucking hard for me
to balance the two forces that drive my soul
focus my potential

probably also contributing, as in being
a large factor, in this big
-jigsaw puzzle-
challenge of living a life

probably a factor fuck
sorry .
(fuck)
Fucking I like one side better than the other
Obviously

And now it's light and I am not easy
flowing but really
more like flailing; flailing into
flimsy flustered- those (this)
fucking
frustration laden foibles

And I am shackled again and it's
finally impossible to ignore
that I will never achieve peace nor purpose
without working
working really, really,
really hard
on making myself whole

I believe I can make a life that I can live for.
for and with

But the hurdles are inside of me. situational consequences might (fuck),
well they might just be manifestations
not causes

I quit my job and gave in entirely to a freedom I had never allowed myself to indulge in.

and just as thoroughly as I failed to find happiness
in the structured world I had never not succeeded in
and also never not felt
vaguely displaced in,

I gave in to the impulsive, implosive,
genius that has no bounds no limits no outlets

I loved it hated it cringe at it still crave it
never harnessed it

never not feeling a vague and
in the end, crushing disappointment that, well,
it kind of
slithered up around and behind me so that

after a while, I knew just what
was chasing me. So. I
ruined it more by being consumed by the serpent on my trail than,
I guess more than the reason for the hike.

As in now he bites me.

I have to make this work out, this incongruity

Create opportunities to facilitate the driven intellect and social ability I cannot
make order in my world without

And also while making time and space and focus to let the other side be seen
and be streamlined

In time, combined
For this, I have to work. Hard.
And to work I have to want need know
What must be done.

This is who I am now, I scream and
sing and cry for strength to make myself who I am and whoever I may become.